Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
Posted:
Sep 5, 2015 - 6:49am
Oh, to be a clever teacher!!!!!!
At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all daySundayand didn't make it back to Old Eli until earlyMondaymorning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They told him they had visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They all quickly answered the first chem problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
Posted:
Apr 8, 2015 - 6:24am
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer knee." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
A little girl approached her father one afternoon after school and hesitantly asked "Daddy, where did I come from". The father could not help but appear shaken and said "Sweetheart your mommy and I have been planning to have this talk with you, let me get mommy". When the mother came into the room, they sat together and began, "Sweetheart, you know how your dog Lily had puppies last year? Well, when a man and woman love each, they sometime's want to show that love physically and ...." The little girl l interrupted ..."Eww Eww, DAD! I mean where did I come from? My friend Sally came from Illinois! Where did I come from?!
Hey, Val...
Long time no see... hope things are going well.
Went to your site and watched this mesmerising video... cool stuff.
A little girl approached her father one afternoon after school and hesitantly asked "Daddy, where did I come from". The father could not help but appear shaken and said "Sweetheart your mommy and I have been planning to have this talk with you, let me get mommy". When the mother came into the room, they sat together and began, "Sweetheart, you know how your dog Lily had puppies last year? Well, when a man and woman love each, they sometime's want to show that love physically and ...." The little girl l interrupted ..."Eww Eww, DAD! I mean where did I come from? My friend Sally came from Illinois! Where did I come from?!
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause. When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah” Not a single one could shout “Truck”
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause. When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah” Not a single one could shout “Truck”
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
I thought this was going to be a riff on that old Emo Phillips joke:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it . When he gets home the cats there. Next day he drives 50miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again. So next day he drives the other side of the country and dumps it, 6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that frigin cat home?" "yes..Why ?" asks the wife .
Paddy says "Put that **** on the phone, im lost. "
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people. Have A Great Day!!!!"
Wicked funny
